Doing the right thing isnt always the easiest thing to do. Right now i want to hide, even though I know hiding would just make the situation worse. Its only 8pm and im already in bed I just need to escape one more night tomorrow I will “do the right thing” I hope I will find the courage.

where do I start??

Im so angry right now i could scream. I should never have trusted. Trust is never an easy thing for me and now it will be even harder.  I thought i had a good thing, but I knew deep down I was being set up I should have trusted my gut they always say your gut tells the truth. well mine did but i didnt listen. now im in way over my head and to be honest i dont know if i will ever get out. The depression is so deep and it hurts. its right here right at my finger tips but just out of reach. sometimes there are people in our lives that no matter how hard we try we cant please them. I put myself in that situation. I wanted so bad to be liked and to be a part of them again that I was willing to do whatever it took but like my gutt told me they had other plans their plans were to sit and watch me fail. well i did and now once again im hurting. hurting deep, deeper than ive hurt in a long time. I cant explain it all there just arnt words to explain it. but the open wounds are there. ailey is dying no not physically .. everyone relax emotionally ailey is dying this pain hurts too much.  Lady Indica i get to see her tomorrow I hope, i cant wait to be in her arms……………….. i cant write any more the tears have clouded the words………………

 

There is something about just knowing that there are rules that keeps things in line.  The tears still continue to flow, and there is still no real answer. Trying some alternative therapies to see if maybe that will help … who knows at this point something has to work. Eventually the tears will dry up one would think. I know what would help but unfortunately until i get answers that isnt an option. I feel so alone right now. It just doesnt make sense to me. I know Im not but that is just how it feels.  

Ive been able to keep my rules up in spite of everything that is going on. Some of them are even null and void pretty much i have dropped out of the online life so that rule doesnt need to be i just dont want to be there any more. i fall into bed way before 10 every night and i have been taking meds the only rule that really is an issue is the eating still i just hate food why do i have to eat?? nothing tastes good it just makes me sick its to a point i will get sick if im not careful. The doctors know and are working with me on it. again trying to figure it all out.  part of it is a choice but perhaps part of it is what is going on with my body i dont know lets hope we find out soon. Bye for now i will try to post again in a couple of days.

its been a while

It’s been a while since I’ve posted so much has been going on in my life I can’t stop it from spinning out of control. My physical health has been a disaster the last couple of weeks and as a result had pretty much brought everything else in my life to a screeching halt. I know that this has hurt a lot of people in my life which is the furthest thing from what I intended. I guess all I can say is I’m sorry I know I’m not handling things right but there is too much at stake I can’t submit to spankings right now because of the possible surgery until I know I am not comfortable worrying about marks. I know a spanking would help in so many ways but it just can’t be right now so I’m off to my hole again for a few more days until maybe I get some answers. I will be back

all i want to do is understand these feelings im having and there isnt a soul out there to talk to. the tears are on over flow and i dont know what to do.  

i ate a yogurt, a grilled cheese and a little bit coolwhip with jello. today